What I did not realize at the time was that I was stepping into my greatest fear as well: FEELING MY TERROR. I have worked very hard in my life to ward against the feeling of fear - to not feel it, show it, think about it, talk about it. In fact, I prided myself that when I did feel any fear, people would comment on how calm I appeared.
I mostly have hidden my fear through a mask of "I am better than you." I had to make myself bigger than I was as a child in order to survive my childhood. Nobody came to save me from the chaos in my family and so, as a child, I decided that if I was bigger and everybody else was smaller, I would be safe. I'll take care of everyone around me and then I'll be okay. That saved me.
But, today, it no longer serves me. And plus, it's really annoying to other people. But, as I am removing my mask and seeing myself as not bigger than anyone, it is as if a child who was frozen in fear got thawed out but still thinks it's 1978. That girl is still scared of everybody. And so, I feel my fear. Whenever it comes. Wherever I am. That little girl is scared that she is going to get hurt or yelled at or hit. She shakes and cries. And then she sees/I remember that it is the present. That she/I am safe. It is October 4th, 2011. It is a beautiful, sunny Los Angeles day. It rained a little today...which is nice for California.
It's okay. It's okay to feel the fear all the way to the end of it. And there's always an end to it. For the moment. But it will come again. Like every other emotion. The fear will come again. And it's okay to feel it. It's the only way to freedom.