When I was in 7th grade, the high school swing choir came to our school and did a performance. I loved every minute of it. And then, Monica Enz sang her big solo, "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar. From her first notes, I began to cry. I didn't understand what was happening to me because I seldom cried in those days and I didn't want my mom, who was sitting next to me, to see me. It wasn't just the song or the music. It was her voice. It was the fact that someone could sing something like that and that it could affect me in that way. I was so deeply affected that I lost control of myself. That was the moment I knew I wanted to sing. Badly. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything.
And so I began to sing. And then, my mom, with all of her good intentions, decided that if I was going to do this, she wanted a daughter who would be the best. So, the beginning and the end. The beginning of my desire to sing. The end of that free place where desire and creativity live and breathe and worlds are created. Now, singing was about becoming the best. Doing it right. Becoming rich and famous and successful.
The night of Saturday, September 28th, 2013, I performed a set of my songs for the first time in 4 years. It was the end and the beginning. The end of trying to become the best, the end of doing it right, the end of trying to become rich and famous and successful. It was the beginning of allowing myself to take every risk I wanted to take as an artist, the beginning of letting go of what people think and allowing people to feel however they feel, the beginning of creating a new world and having a blast!
This is freedom. I have worked hard for this freedom. I have battled addictions and fears and shame and the destructive patterns of my lineage. And I'm so grateful for everything that I have gone through to get here. It feels good. I feel good.
And I want to support other artists to have that freedom for themselves. To allow that creative energy to come all the way through you and to not judge it or apologize for it. To own it, claim it, be fully in it. Don't believe those voices that tell you that what you are doing is selfish or wrong or stupid or pointless. Being an artist is not selfish. It's service.